Carl Hose Reading Room

Poems by Felicia Baker

I met a girl in 1999. She was vulnerable and had been taken advantage of and hurt by those closest to her. Rather than let this destroy her, as many would, she chose to rise above it and become a woman who has lived, and continues to live, her life with dignity and pride. She is a talented woman who has, for as long as I've known her, used her ability to write poetry as a method for coping with the ups and downs of life. She is talented with words and has been gracious enough to let me share them with you - Carl Hose (2011)

Felicia - 1999

Getting Even

A knife, with its blade freshly sharpened
A gun, with its barrel freshly cleaned
And a woman with her hair freshly washed and the thought of blood and revenge on her mind
she slowly takes of the skin of her victim as an air piercing scream is let out
BLOOD!
yes just what she wanted
BLOOD and more BLOOD
victim #1 is now dead
Now she moves on, revenge paid she's now even with the man who killed her sister
Now she takes the revolver in her right hand
Places one single bullet in the chamber
CLICK!
nothing,
CLICK!
nothing again,
BANG!!!
She no longer moves, or breathes, she no longer can pull the trigger
She feels satisfied

Feelings Within

The first person to tell me his feelings
Is the last person I put my trust in.
The first person to love me
Is the person who I run from.
The person who trusts me
Is the person who hates me.
The person who believes in me
Is the person who gets let down.

I'm not you,
I'm me.
I hate you,
You hate me.
You turn me out,
And there's nothing I care about.
You yell at me.
Trust me,
Sometimes I yell back.
You talk shit.
Trust me,
I can talk shit too.

People don't understand,
But only because they don't want to.
I understand, but only because I have to.
And it scares me.
I'll be you
And you be me.
Now you tell me
Whether or not you see
Why life means nothing to me.

Why Is Life?

This is a wild and crazy world we live in,
As the time travels and men sin.
This happens every day and night,
As our mothers and our children fight.
When the hot scorching sun shines down,
It slowly burns all of our villages and town.
So much loss and pain,
You loose more than you gain.

The world is a cruel and evil place,
People are judged by their race.
People are people, don't judge by there face.
Black or white we are all the same,
Life isn't a judging game.
People hate because they can,
Just like a woman can hate a man.
Even if the sun burns out,
People will still find something to discriminate about.

Reality

When you say that you cherish our friendship
i believe you
when you say that your love is true
i believe the words you say are true
When you touch me passionately
i feel you

But when you walked away
I crushed you
You cant always act like nothing's wrong
And you cant fix everything with a song
you might not see...
But i do see what your doing to me
No matter how hard you try to make me see things your way
all i see is the millions of ways you're trying to kill me today

Goodbye

1-28-09

I have tried so many times,

To get you out of my heart.

Every time I take you back,

You tear me apart.

I really should have learned by now,

That when it comes to saying goodbye,

I really don’t know how.

I try to push you from my mind,

Your finally gone it seems.

But how do I block you from my dreams?

I try to find things to consume my time,

But your face always clouds my mind.

You have taught me so many things,

And I will continue to try,

But please I beg of you,

Teach me how to say goodbye.

Missing you

1-28-09

I miss you every day,

Morning, noon, and night.

I can’t believe you’re gone,

This really doesn’t feel right.

Not having you by my side,

Makes me feel very weird.

Not seeing your smiling face,

Makes me cry a tear.

I love you so very much,

More than my words can say.

This pain, I cannot bare,

There has to be a way.

I know the past is the past,

And I should just let this go.

But that little voice in my heart,

Keeps telling me no.

I know there must be a cure,

To help me over come.

The love I have for you,

For my heart you have won.

But why should I worry,

I can see you don’t care a bit.

I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to you,

I really can’t help it, I guess I’m whipped.

I guess I will just stop writing,

And try to let you go.

I see that you’re not really listening,

For your heart has already been sold.

I wish I had the money to buy it back,

But then it wouldn’t be love so true.

I guess I will just leave you alone,

But always remember, I will always love you.

Life

1-28-09

When I was young,

I had so many dreams,

I was so very happy,

And completely worry free,

But when the day came,

For my life to fall apart,

I surely wasn’t ready,

To make a new start.

My dad used drugs,

My mom drank beer,

My sisters abandoned me,

And left me full of fear.

At one point in my life,

I turned to drugs.

I even turned to men,

They just used me instead.

Life turned me down,

It shut the door.

They turned their back

They didn’t want to see the whore.

One day though,

I thought things had changed.

I found love in a man,

But it wasn’t the same.

He was sweet and kind,

But because of my past,

And the fear of losing love

I ran away fast.

I’m afraid to be hurt again,

I can’t handle the pain.

I see everyone else so happy,

So I try to be the same.

Even my friends turned me out,

What do I do now?

Is all I can think about.

I use to love,

I use to care,

But life took it all away,

And left ugly scars to bare.

Life of Pain

4-28-02

I sit and look out at the pouring rain,

And remember all the hurt and pain.

Five years ago today,

I almost threw my life away.

I didn’t want to live,

I didn’t want to breathe,

I didn’t want to be alone,

I didn’t want to grieve.

I slowly watched my life fall apart,

As I tried to find all the pieces of my heart.

You were my father,

You weren’t supposed to do what you did.

But you didn’t care,

And I was only a kid.

I couldn’t stop you,

No matter how hard I’d try,

I would just lay there,

And wish I would just die.

When you would touch me,

Id silently beg and plea,

“God, please make him stop touching me”.

You made me feel dirty,

You made me feel mad,

You made me feel unworthy,

You made me feel sad.

It took five years of counselling,

To get me to where I’m at.

I’m now proud of myself,

And just look where you’re sittin at.

You deserve what you got,

I feel no sympathy or shame.

You’re the one, who fucked up,

You’re the one to blame.

Did you know I tried to slit my wrists,

And why,

All because you couldn’t resist?

You were the adult,

You were the one wrong,

But you didn’t care,

You just wanted to drink and hit a bong.

You tried to mess my life up,

And I tried to forgive your ass.

But fuck that,

As you can see, that didn’t last.

But wait…..

Now you want to turn the tables on me,

And act like my father,

The father you’ll never be.

Fuck that Jim,

You have done pissed me off,

You have done made me mad,

And forever a friendship with me,

You have lost.

I’m so done,

I’m done playing games with you,

None of your words or feelings was ever true.

So guess what Jim

FUCK YOU!

The Luckiest Woman

10-29-08

I don’t have a lot of money,

I don’t have any fame,

I don’t have many friends,

I don’t even have a very pretty name.

What I do have though,

Is more valuable the gold.

It’s a wonderful man, who loves me,

To have and to hold.

I don’t own my own house,

I don’t own a shiny new car,

I don’t own a lot of clothes,

I don’t have that, not by far.

What I do have though,

Is more valuable then gold,

Its two beautiful babies that love me,

To have and to hold.

You may not see,

You may not even understand.

But this is why i feel like the luckiest woman who walks this land

To The Man With The Keys To My Heart

12-15-99

I have searched far and wide,

For a man who wouldn’t place me aside.

So many times I have lain in bed,

Trying to count all the tears I have shed.

When I no longer can count my tears,

I lay awake and count my fears.

My fears may never go away,

But to you, my man, I say,

You’re the man with the keys to my heart,

And I hope and pray that we will never part.

I love you so,

I pray you never go.

To the man with the keys to my heart,

I will take a vow now,

So we shall never part.

I pray you will be with me till the end,

Not only as lovers but as friends.

Now when I lay awake at night,

I think of how things are so right.

Yu changed my world with a single kiss,

I pray to God, for this is bliss.

If God will let this be,

You will spend the rest of your life with me.

You have brought so much joy to my life,

I really can’t wait to be pounced your wife.

For you are the man with the only keys to my heart,

I hope and pray we will NEVER part.

No Matter What You Are Always There

6-10-2000

Today is a great day,

Things aren’t perfect,

But they are better than okay.

The trees so green,

The sky so blue,

The birds cheerfully sing,

And all I can think about is you.

The wind sensually caresses my skin,

The sun passionately kisses my nose,

The warm ground beneath my feet,

As I sit and wiggle my toes.

The thought of you stays on my mind,

Through the winds and the sands of time.

Even though you’re not always here,

I feel in my heart you are still very near.

I smile at the very thought of you,

But that’s an instant reaction,

I can’t help but do.

Today is a great day,

Things aren’t perfect,

But they are better than okay.

How Do You Know?

2000

People lie,

They lie about love.

Some men truly try,

To find a loving wife.

But how do you know?

How do you know it’s right?

People lie,

They lie about life.

Some men truly try,

To deceive you about what’s written above.

But how do you know?

How do you know it’s true?

I don’t…..Do you?

Have You Ever

1999

Have you ever been so confused,

That the world doesn’t seem to spin

Have you ever been so sad,

That the world seems to be endless tears

Have you ever been so depressed,

That the stars don’t seem to shine

Have you ever been so alone,

That the human race doesn’t seem to exist

Well, I have,

And the world doesn’t spin,

The ocean is my endless tears,

The stars no longer shine,

And I’m so alone.

I try to forget the past,

I try to ignore the present,

And I pray the future never is.

I’m so tired of all the pain,

I’m so tired of the tears streaming down my face,

And I’m so tired of being alone.

Why Not

2000

Could I have fallen in love?

Could I truly be happy?

Why not?

Well, because nothing good ever happens to me,

Someone tears out my heart,

And I begin to bleed eternally.

Could I finally found good luck today?

Has a man truly come into my life to stay?

Why not?

Well because luck runs from me,

Someone has cursed me,

It burns my heart,

Like the flames that that burn a tree.

Love and happiness?

Why not?

Luck and commitment?

It’s really not so distraught?

It could finally be true,

That not only do I love you,

But you actually love me too.

Letting Go

5-15-2011

The most beautiful things in life,

Are normally the things that cut like a knife.

Cutting through your flesh and soul,

Forcing you to have to let go.

I never really wanted to leave your side,

And I never should have lied.

I should have come home to where I belonged,

And sat a waited patiently, while listening to your song.

Things weren’t as bad as I made them seem

I was just disappointed, it wasn’t what I dreamed.

I truly thought things were bad,

But only because my soul was so sad.

Now that I have realized how to be me,

It breaks my heart because now I see.

It was never truly you,

It was everything I had went through.

I broke your beautiful heart,

And then tried to make a new start.

But that obviously didn’t work for me,

But now I am happy and completely free……

What I Need

2003

I need a man,

A real man.

Are you that person?

The one with a true plan?

Or are you a man,

Who don’t understand?

I need true love,

Can you give that to me?

If you can’t,

Please just walk away.

You can only come back,

But only if you have learned to stay.

I told you my needs,

That’s all I want.

No money or gold,

I won’t sell you my soul.

Pieces

2001

Take a puzzle,

Tear it apart,

Then you will see a perfect replica of my shattered heart.

It will take a genius

To put it back.

But that’s a talent most men lack.

If I could do it,

the lord knows I would,

but now, the puzzle,

I use as a test.

To set apart my true love,

Far apart from the rest.

For the man who can solve this puzzle,

Shall be with me till the end.

So take a puzzle,

Tear it apart,

Then you will see a perfect replica of my shattered heart.

Keep It Real

1-28-09

Im not exactly how I feel about you,

I do like you, don’t take me wrong.

But are you going to be in this…..

In this relationship for long?

I do trust you,

But only so much.

It’s just so hard to trust a man,

Especially a man with a strange feeling in his touch.

In your embrace,

I get a chill,

Maybe it’s an un-assurance,

Or a cheap thrill.

I’m not trying to be mean,

For there are things that are unseen.

I’m just trying to be real,

If you catch my feel.

I’m slowly falling in love with you,

As has become so easy to do.

I am still unsure of how you feel,

So I am wanting to make a deal.

Be true to me,

And I will be true to you.

Help me see how you feel,

And I will always be here for you.

Just keep it real.

Things Aren’t What They Seem

1-28-09

My life, as simple as it may seem,

Is anything but, and everything in between.

From the chaos of the day,

and the stillness of the night.

I am but one woman,

Who’s not afraid to fight.

I have given my all,

To all that I can.

O have been this way,

Since the day my life began.

Now I come to you,

My heart in my hand.

Please be patient with me,

And learn to understand.

I have given you my heart,

To do with as you please.

Now I will beg of you,

As I get down on my knees,

Take my heart,

And keep it safe.

Please don’t break it apart,

And leave it scattered all over the place.

I have nothing more to give,

I am not a woman of wealth.

My love for you will always live,

Until the day I take my last breath.

I love you baby,

And I always will.

When I kiss your sweet lips,

All the time in the world stands still.

Even through the chaos of the day,

And all the stillness of the night.

You have managed to sweep me away,

And you turned the darkness into light.

You changed my world,

With a single kiss.

I thank God,

This is bliss.

I wrote this,

just to tell you exactly how I feel.

I just wanted to tell you,

That my love is real.

So, my life as simple as it may seem,

Is anything but, and everything in between.

Felicia - 2011